Courtship is very common as an intentional performance with the goal of marriage in many societies. This is also true for men and women of many other Hmub or Hmong villages who spend a great deal of time together, expressing personal sentiments through talking, singing and intimate physical contact. However, it is not necessarily and simply so for the Hmub in eastern Guizhou.
Long Term and Short Term
Classificatory cross-cousins flirt in the Fangf Bil society is similar to a classic symmetric joking relation. Flirtation between Hmub cross cousins demonstrates the marriageability of a potential spouse. Such view is roughly correspondent with that of
16 Mauss, Lévi-Strauss, Dumont, and McDougal.26But more than from the perspective of structuralism this paper explores relationships between marriage and courtship, and between individual feelings and social institutions, through Hmub cross-cousin flirtation.
There are two forms of Hmub courtship that can be defined as long and short term flirtation.Thelong term alliancemay lastduring thelifetimeofone’sown marriage, while the short term will end in a break up or, if both parties involved are single, marriage. But whether the flirtation is long or short, both may constitute the similar features of flirtation (with details later). It is still different from the conventional ideal of the exclusiveness of one-to-one romantic love (or passion). Yet, this distinction between long term and short term Hmub flirting may not be expressed strictly or explicitly by local views. The indigenous conceptualization of a young person for the Hmub includes teenagers to adults and even middle-aged men and women who have married within the past few years. Briefly, unmarried men or women (whether single or divorced) and married men or women without children are considered young persons who can attend flirting activities freely.
During long term flirtation,lovetokensareexchanged to expressone’sfeelings, such as flower belts or coats. Men may tie two or three flower belts from their former loversovertheirdaughter’sHmub clothing when they are 2 or 3 years old. If the coat is a souvenir of separation with their former lovers, men or women may still wear it when they are in their forties or fifties. Yet, there are boundaries, especially in long term flirtation that cannot be transcended, with rules regulating the flirting activities of married men and women. A married woman can flirt with her male affine until she has delivered
26Parkin, R. “The Joking Relationship and Kinship: Charting a Theoretical Dependency.”Journal of the Anthropological Society for Oxford. Vol. 24, No. 3 (1993), pp. 251-263.
17 her first child. However, married men can participate in extra-marital flirtation after they become a father. Moreover, men are allowed to flirt with his female affine until his children reach their teens. Here exists a gender bias in favor of men.
Iut fub, literally meaning “wandering in thevillage,”isneverused in day-to-day conversations among the villagers, because it indicates sexuality. Instead, they use Hmub expressions such as at zot (“play forfun”),lof vud (“takea rest”),god (“gettogether”) and niangt (“sitdown”),which havenothing to do with sexuality.Iut fub is nonetheless an indispensable part of Hmub social life. It occurs during particular time and space, and with a special group of individuals. On ordinary days, iut fub may take place every night for the young people. After supper, the old people and the children go to bed early. The whole village falls into darkness and quiet except for the faint lights in the windows of each family. After a period of silence, whistles (kot ghait) are blown vigorously and without restriction into the dark night. Footsteps are heard, together with hush conversations. The boys initiate the sounds calling for girls to enter into a flirting exchange. Thus the boys from the Tang family will go to the Zhang family and vice versa.
When thefootstepsslow down,knocking isheard atagirl’swindow inviting herto talk to him. If the girl opens the window, they may talk in a gentle voice. If a whole group of boys flirts with a girl, the conversation will be loudly filled with humorous remarks.
The flirting boys also try to find out where a group of girls may be together. Once the girls are located, the boys join them in conversation. At midnight the group’s conversation changes into a dyadic or one-to-one exchange called ib laik del ib laik (“one likestheother”).Such conversationsmay continuedeep into the nightand stop afterthe cock crows once or twice. Some exchanges may continue until daybreak.
18 As I have described in the previous paragraphs, the people participating in iut fub should ideally be vangt (the“young people”).However,thereisno strictlimitation on their age and status (married or single). These exchanges between men and women from different marital status and age cohorts appear to be conducted, especially by the woman, from a more detached role posture. Young women are clearly more restraint in flirtation with someone outside their age cohort. For example, once, at a "girls' get-together" (god dat ghaif) flirting activity, I heard a young girl call a man who had put his hands on her shouldersintimately “maternaluncle”(daid nenk),27and she tried to push his hands away.
Another night, I observed a seventeen-year-old unmarried girl talking heatedly with a middle-aged man, the father of a ten-year-old son, whom she called but (literally “sister’s husband or brother-in-law”).Thethird caseinvolved agroup ofunmarried girlswho invited a group of married men, who were fathers, to play or flirt together in a field near the village. During the festival flirting event,thegirlsconstantly called thesemen “father of Dand”or“fatherofZent.”Dand or Zent are thefirstnamesofmen’seldestson or daughter. Clearly, the girls were keen on conveying they were not interested in the men as anything more than a momentary flirtation. For these middle aged married men, there would be a momentary flirtation, too, though in the form of post-marital flirtation relationship.
Women who dress in the same way at the institutionalized flirting gatherings may be unmarried or may have been married for a couple of years. When a woman stays at her natal home, her dress is similar to that of any unmarried girl, coiling up her hair, and wearing flowers, jewelry and ut diuf (“Han Chineseclothes”orclothesboughtin the
27They did not actually have an actual blood relationship.
19 downtown market).28Moreover, like unmarried women, she can freely join in the flirting activities in the evening. In this way, flirting gatherings are open to everyone. The fluid display ofwomen’sdressescan actually coverup theboundary ofthese two forms of Hmub institutionalized flirtation.