Interviews (2004) with Fangf Bil women and men about extramarital flirtation found a range of attitudes. Several middle-aged or older women noted that they were not jealous.
An older woman added that,“No,Iam notunhappy. I am also glad of his good singing voice during extramarital flirtation. He only goes (flirting)forfun.”Perhapsbecauseof being aware of my uncertain attitude toward their answers, these women even sang a Hmub folk song to convincemeduring theinterview:“Mom hasbecomeold,because she has given birth a baby. Dad under such situation goes out to flirt with another girl.
Dad goesto talk aboutloveby himself.Dad’sflirting affair is his own business.”Like the description of the song, these older women emphasized that husband and wife hardly ever accompany each other out of doors, no matter whether walking to the fields or attending ritualactivities.“It’samatterofshamefor(married) couplesto appeartogetheropenly,” they emphasized.“Ifahusband wantsto go out(forextramarital flirting) let him go.
That’shisbusiness,”thesewomen said in an amused fashion.Thesecommentsarevery common among the aged women of this village.
25 Although not as light-hearted as the older women when talking about extramarital flirting, two younger mothers (30 years old) in this Hmub village also said that they would allow their husbands to go out and flirt with girls in the evening until their children begin to go to school (i.e. when the children have grown up and the father will not be expected to flirt with girls freely). I asked them whether they felt heart-broken or angry abouttheirhusband’sflirting activity in theevening.“No,Iam notheart-broken or angry. Even if you feel hurt or angry, you just could not change anything at all. My kids’daddy stillkeepsgoing outflirting with anotheryoung women alone,”onemother said.“Although you may beunhappy,you cannotscold him outsideyourbedroom.That would cause shame among other villagers if they know that you are unhappy at such a thing,”theothersemphatically added.
In trying to conform to the collective ideas about extramarital flirtation, there still exist individualized actions or perceptions. One middle-aged man in the village told me how most of the male villagers perceive extramarital flirting in a practical manner: “If you want to go flirting with girls in the night time by talking or singing duets, you go ahead secretly. Do not let your wife know. If she does not know, nothing will happen. If sheknew,shemightgetangry.”Healso mentioned “somewomen are‘reasonable,’they don’tgetmad atthis;butsomeare‘unreasonable,’they do getmad.”It seems clearly that there is a double standard for men and women in terms of permissible flirting after marriage. In some of the informants’quotes, it seems very salient, with the focus being on women left behind while men pursue extramarital gratification. Though this paper does not aim to explore the practice of gender bifurcation of the extra-marital flirtation, we still may wonder about how this practice might relate the tradition of polygyny in the
26 history of the Hmub or Hmong(e.g. Chindarsi 1976),29or how it might relate to the role of motherhood.
Discussion
I have described the relations between marriage and flirting and also the practice of extra-marital flirtation both verbally and no-verbally. There are two points that I will elaborate further: First, what the characteristic of the iut fub can be explained as an institutionalized extramarital flirting; and second, how the iut fub can be depicted as an alternative to functional courtship or courtship with lineal relation to marriage which also sheds light on certain specific features of “courtship,”e.g. the duality of flirting and courting, or the “serious”flirting culture with regards to extramarital as well as non-extramarital relations.
Institutionalized Flirting Zone
In general, iut fub in the Hmub village has become institutionalized through the ritualized social arrangements of place, time, and the grouping of people. On the one hand, it conforms to the rules for affinal alliance: all girls and boys of the Fangf Bil village who flirt together are khait affines towards one another. On the other hand, iut fub also creates a juxtaposed, solid, binary structure for the institution of cross-cousin marriage, as well as an image of fluidity when integrating the institutions of marriage, extramarital flirting and duo-local residence. Ultimately, the textual description of duets does not necessary have a lineal relation between marriage and flirting. With the hybrid display of intimately physical contacts among flirting men and women marked with diverse genealogical ties, affinal relations and marital status, this creates fluidity between
29Chindarsi, N. The Religion of the Hmong Njua. (Bangkok: The Siam Society, 1976).
27 personal emotions and the social constraints of the institution of marriage. Among the emotions created by iut fub, extramarital flirtation is a way of reconciling personal
“romantic” and “intimate”encounterswith alifetime ofconstraint through the institution of prescriptive marriage. In a way, there are two forms of iut fub in this flirting zone: one leading to marriage and another leading to validation of the self as a sexual being.
The peculiarity of this zone of the Hmub can be highlighted furthermore when compared with other societies. In addition to the literature quoted above, which is divided over the exact nature of the interplay between courtship and marriage, the study of Jane Collier on the Los Olivous in Spain elaborates how market economy, individual intention, and self-management techniques related to the senses and emotional workings of the
“modern”individual,plusvarying genderconceptions,moveasociety from onebased on courtship to dating, especially as it pertains to the shift between duty to personal desire.30 Unlike the Spanish cases, where duties shift with heighten individuality to personal desire, the Hmub adopt both. There is duty indeed in the formal processes of flirting and the everyday interaction between adults, especially married couples in public (but not in private). The Hmub also have a flirtation zone for continued expression of personal desire within a larger social restraint. How different is this from 19th Qing dynasty (or maybe many other stratified societies) where ordinary men went to brothels, and social elites seek the company of courtesans, all started in the form of entertaining in a public place, but ended with personal gratification when in private. Yet what is unique among the egalitarian Hmub is the absence of a stratified society where a very well off class is nonexistent. But the personal zone for intimacy remains important and salient. In this
30Collier, J., From Duty to Desire: Remaking Families in a Spanish Village (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1997), pp. 67-112.
28 way, the Hmub may be a special case for validating the sexual self of a human being, socially as well as psychologically, with the provision of an alternative in theorizing romantic love from the Western social stratifications and heighten individualism.
Duality of Flirting and Courting
However, can the iut fub be explained in terms of flirtation culture rather than courtship culture? The Oxford English Dictionary defines courtship as “the action or process of paying courtto awoman with aview to marriage;courting,wooing.”Itisalso defined as“behaviororaction befitting acourtorcourtier;courtlinessofmanners,”or
“the paying of court or courteous attentions; esp. the paying of ceremonial or complimentary acts of courtesy to a dignitary”.31 As such, the meaning of courtship seems to be identical with manners or politeness. In contrast flirtation seems considered lessseriousthan courtship.Flirtation isdefined as“aquick,sprightly motion,acantword among women;”and “theaction orbehaviorofaflirt;flighty orgiddy behavior,frivolity;
theaction ofplaying atcourtship”.32In reviewing the Hmub institutionalized flirting data I will shed light on its seriousness, and argue that the boundary between courtship and flirtation may not be so obvious. For our discussion, I will draw on three other ethnographies with regards to courting and flirting cultures to demonstrate that seriousness is a specific feature commonly seen in other institutional courting and flirting customs, though with diverse levels of seriousness. Long term and formal obligations or institutions create one type of serious courtship and flirtation, while the other is related to premarital sexuality.
31Simpson, J. A. and E. S. C. Weiner, The Oxford English Dictionary, Volume III. (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1989a), p.
1064
32Simpson, J. A. and E. S. C. Weiner, The Oxford English Dictionary, Volume V. (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1989b), p.
1064.
29 The socially constrained Hmub flirtation, enhanced with entertaining devices, creates a leisurely and socially playful zone for the community. Similarly, Collier also addressed theconventionalcourtship ofaSpanish village in the1960s’asalong,formal institution and a pleasing emotional zone for young persons. In this case, the seriousness of courtship is derived from its formal asexual manners, reputation, and long-term courting activity before marriage.33There is a vivid description about how the boy was permitted to enter into the girl’shouseformally,successfully transforming hisinterest from informalstreetcourtship,thatIwould label“flirtation”, to courtship.
The boy, hair plastered and shoes polished, enters the kitchen and accepts a chair. Suegro (father-in-law) and novio discusscropsortheweatheruntilthegirl’sfather,uncomfortable in this social situation, retires to the café for some coffee and male companionship. The mother however must sit close by her daughter, hacienda la cestact (literally, ‘basket weaving’)while the novios ‘pluck theturkey.’Physicalcontactisforbidden atany time,and theruleisgenerally respected.”34
Parallel to the long term flirtation of the Hmub, the seriousness of the conventional Spanish case was related to its long term premaritalcourtship.Priorto the1960’sitwas common that courting partners in the Spanish village would marry only after courting more than ten years. Furthermore, sexual desire is carefully separated from romantic or emotional desire during the formal courtship process.
In contrastto the“asexual”,long term post-marital flirtation of the Hmub and the serious pre-marital courtship in a Spanish village in the sixties,35the courtship customs of the Hmong in Laos36and Chinese villages in Northern China are quite different. In both
33Collier, J., From Duty to Desire.
34Collier, J., From Duty to Desire, p.81.
35Ideally, sexual relations are not included in the permitted extra-marital long term flirting of the Hmub society.
36“Hmong people refer to an Asian ethnic group in the mountainous regions of southern China. There, they remain one of the largest sub-groups in the Miao minzu. Beginning in the 18thcentury, Hmong groups began a gradual southward migration due to political unrest and to find more arable land. As a result Hmong currently also live in several countries in Southeast Asia, including northern Vietnam, Laos, Thailand, and Myanmar-Burma. In Laos, a significant number of Hmong/Mong people fought against the communist-nationalist Pathet Lao during the Secret War, When the Pathet Lao
30 casescourtship allow “pre-maritalsexuality,”though with differentconnotationsforeach
community. In Changing Lives of Refugee Hmong Women, the conventional Hmong courtship in Laos is an important part of its culture becausemarriage isthe“natural stage”to becoming truematureadults,and thepleasantcounterpointto ahard working life.37Regularflirtatiousnesscould bein publicand also asa“secrecy game,with its pleasing air of conspiracy, witness, and excitement”.38 In other words, the Hmong courtship is not just an emotional zone for casual emotional enjoyment, but also an arena for engaging in physical enjoyment and experimentation. Donnelly mentioned that,
“Thereisanotherreason forshynessand desireforprivacy. My respondents (except the converted Christian Hmong) seem to agree with other sources that Hmong girls and boys play sexualgamestogether,and thatfidelity to onefriend isnotexpected…..”.39The iut fub of the Hmub appears to have captured both the serious, respectful atmosphere of the Spanish and some of the light hearted, experimentation of the Hmong. Focusing on love, intimacy, and family change in a Chinese village from 1949 to 1999, Yan Yunxiang gave an interesting alternative example of the relations of courtship and marriage: post-engagement dating and premarital sex. Yan argues that there are two important effects of thiscustom:first,securing amarriage contact,especially,forthegroom’sfamily;second, creating mutual affections and emotional ties between the two. In other words, Yan
took over the government in 1975, Hmong/Mong people were singled out for retribution, and tens of thousands fled to Thailand for political asylum. Since the late 1970s, thousands of these refugees have resettled in Western countries, including the United States, Australia, France, French Guiana, and Canada. Others have been returned to Laos under United Nations-sponsored repatriation programs. Around 8,000 Hmong/Mong refugees remain in Thailand”(http://en.
wikipedia.org/wiki/Hmong_people).
37Donnelly, N. D., Changing Lives of Refugee Hmong Women (Seattle: University of Washington Press, 1994).
38Donnelly, N. D., Changing Lives of Refugee Hmong Women , p. 120.
39Donnelly, N. D., Changing Lives of Refugee Hmong Women , pp. 120-121.
31 emphasizes the seriousness of the intent of extra-engagement dating and premarital sex for the rural Chinese, which achieve a twofold goal: the emotional outlet and development of mutual affection for thecouples;and thesocialcapitalforthebride’sand groom’sfamilies,positivelyattained from engagement toward marriage.40
Eitherin termsof“courting with emphasison courtship,”or“flirting with emphasis on courtship,” I suggest that there areboth commonality and diversity to be further highlighted. Firstly, all four cultures display a specific zone as being a pleasing and relaxing emotional zone regardless of courtship as a precursor to marriage (such as in the Spanish or the contemporary rural Chinese villages) or an indirect result (such as flirtation in the subgroup Hmong of the Miao in Laos or the subgroup Hmub of the Miao in eastern Guizhou). This commonality is especially significant when interpreting how the Hmub place their social focus on institutionalized extramarital flirtation. In other words, based on these ethnographies of courtship or flirtation, human beings are psycho-emotional beings, not just social beings.
Additionally, all four cultures define “courting with emphasis on courtship” or
“flirting with emphasison courtship”activity asaseriousmatter.FortheruralChinese
villagers, premarital sexuality is presented as an effective social strategy to solidify the marital contract between the families of the bride and groom. In contrast, the practice of premarital sexuality of the Hmong does not necessarily aim for marital exchange, but has significant social implications for an individual’s social networks as well as having
40Yan, Y. X., Private Life under Socialism: Love, Intimacy, and Family Change in a Chinese Village 1949-1999 (Stanford: Stanford University Press, 2003)
32 pleasant psychological and emotional experiences.
Though restricting premarital sexuality, the other two cultures make flirting with emphasis on courtship serious with long term flirtation. The conventional Spanish cases are amazing for the length of courtship, often enduring for 10 or more years, and avoidance of sexual contact with their long term courting partners fulfilling the social obligation of respect for both the girl and their family. The Hmub, on the other hand, conduct both short term premarital courtship as well as a long term extra-marital flirtation simultaneously. This paper asserts that the juxtaposition of the long term and short term flirtation is a very serious social interaction with important implications for an individual’s social network and standingin the Hmub society. By means of multiple modes of expression: verbal, physical and use of social conventions and institutionalized behavior, the iut fub creates not only an exclusive arena for emotional expression for the young, but also presents itself as an institutionalized flirting zone for the married adults, providing an approach with a result that is different from the lineal relation between flirtation and monogamous marriage. It provides a transitional phase for the young to have role models and gradually assume the responsibilities of mature Hmub adults in their social networks and obligations.
Conclusion
Most of the literature quoted describes courtship will lead to marriage, but some do point out that there is no necessary connection or entangled relations between them.
These contradictions suggest the complications involved. Is erotic desire or the flirtatious
33 happiness of men and women relevant or irrelevant to marriage? The iut fub of the Hmub in eastern Guizhou further underscores the entangled relations between flirting and marriage created by the integrated marital institutions, cross cousin marriage and duo-local post-marital residence, the entertaining devices, singing of love songs and intimate physical contact. In general, by analyzing extramarital flirtation of the Hmub, I have sought to explore the boundaries of emotional expression, both within and outside marriage of this specific culture. By looking into iut fub as an integrated social structure in a dialectical relationship within the institution of marriage, the fluid situations for extramarital flirtations or intimacies can be more closely examined.
Besides documenting erotic encounters outside the institution of marriage, this ethnography of Hmub extramarital flirtation suggests that we can pay more attention to the concept of infidelity as it is defined culturally.41 In other words, how does an individual in Fangf Bil village respond psychologically and emotionally to institutionalized extramarital eroticism, whether verbal or physical? Do Fangf Bil Hmub villagers regard such extramarital erotic happenings as infidelity? Will a young mother feel jealous, angry or sad as a result of the erotic encounters of her middle-aged husband in Hmub flirting activities? Such questions may touch on the nature of the distinctions between the three social domains of sex, love and marriage. I suggest that institutionalized extramarital flirtation is a compensation for an overly formal
41Jankowiak, W., M. D. Nell and A. Buckmaster, ‘Managing Infidelity:ACross-Cultural Perspective,’Ethnology, pp.
85-101.
34 marriage/family arrangement, which may not necessarily result in an aloof relationship, but an intimate one instead. So, the practice of the Hmub extramarital flirting is less an escape but rather the establishment of a safe setting where people can satisfy themselves of being sexually attractive. Maybe this desire is stronger than what conventional
34 marriage/family arrangement, which may not necessarily result in an aloof relationship, but an intimate one instead. So, the practice of the Hmub extramarital flirting is less an escape but rather the establishment of a safe setting where people can satisfy themselves of being sexually attractive. Maybe this desire is stronger than what conventional