1 几个月前，我被提名为独立党候选人，竞选伟大的纽约州州长，我的竞争对手是斯图尔特·L. 伍德 福德和约翰·T. 霍夫曼。跟这些先生们比起来，我有一个重要的优势，那就是我的人品好。但就在我庆幸 自己拥有这一优势的时候，有一股令人不安的浊流在“扰乱”我内心深处的幸福，那就是：我不得不听到 自己的名字与这类人的名字相提并论。
2 当我一边吃早饭，一边没精打采地浏览报纸时，我看到了这么一段话，我从没有这样地惊讶过：
伪证罪——既然马克·吐温先生现在要竞选州长，也许他应该向大家解释清楚 1863 年他在交趾支那
的瓦卡瓦克被 34 个证人指证犯了伪证罪一事。作伪证的企图是要掠夺一小块大蕉种植地，该地属于 当地一位可怜的寡妇，并且是她家的唯一生计。马克·吐温先生应该澄清此事。他愿意这样做吗？
3 我感到惊愕不已！竟有这样残酷无情的指控。我从来就没有到过交趾支那！我也不知道什么大蕉种 植地，正如我不知道什么是袋鼠一样！我不知道要怎么办才好。那一天我什么事情也没做，虚度了一天。
第二天早晨，这家报纸再没说别的什么，只有这么一句话：
意味深长——吐温先生对交趾支那的伪证案一事一直发人深省地保持缄默。
[ 注——在这场竞选运动中，这家报纸称我为“臭名昭著的伪证犯吐温”。]
4 接着《新闻报》刊登了以下一则新闻：
需要查清——新的州长候选人能否向本州居民解释一下这件事情：在蒙大拿州时，跟他住在一起的
人时不时会丢一些小的贵重物品。后来在吐温先生的财物中发现了这些物品。于是人们让他离开。
他愿意对此作出解释吗？
5 我一生中从未到过蒙大拿州。
[ 此后，这份报纸就一直称我为“蒙大拿小偷吐温”。]
6 我变得一拿起报纸就胆战心惊——就像一个人知道毯子下面可能会有响尾蛇，但还是很想掀开它一 样。一天，我看到下面一则新闻：
谎言已被戳穿！——根据五点地区尊敬的迈克尔·欧·弗拉纳根先生、水街的基特·彭斯先生和约
翰·艾伦先生的宣誓证书，已经证实马克·吐温先生曾恶毒地声称我们尊贵的候选人约翰·T. 霍夫 曼的祖父曾因拦路抢劫而被处绞刑。这纯属粗暴无理之谎言，用这么卑鄙的手段谋求政治上的成功，
这实在令人心寒。这种卑劣的谎言给死者无辜的亲友所造成的痛苦应该激起公众的愤怒，受到侮辱 的公众应该对说谎者进行报复。但是不要这样——我们要让他经受内疚的折磨。
7 我敢发誓我从来没有诽谤过约翰·T. 霍夫曼州长的祖父。
[ 此后，登载上述消息的报纸一直称我为“鞭尸者吐温”。]
8 下一篇引起我注意的报刊文章这样写道：
“温文尔雅”的候选人——马克·吐温先生原定于昨晚在独立党民众大会上作一次有损其竞争对手的
演说，但结果他却未到场。有电报称他被几匹马撞倒，腿部两处骨折——卧床不起，痛苦难言等等。
独立党人只好竭力假装不知道他们的候选人未曾出席的真正原因。有人见到，昨晚有一个人喝得酩 酊大醉，摇摇晃晃地走进吐温先生下榻的旅馆。独立党人应责无旁贷地证明那个醉鬼并非马克·吐 温本人。人民以雷鸣般的呼声询问：“那人是谁？”
160 Unit 10
9 我的名字居然真的与这丢脸的嫌疑联系在一起，这简直不可思议。我已有三年没沾过麦芽酒、啤酒、
葡萄酒或烈性酒了。
[ 在那份报纸的下一期，我看到自己被称作“震颤性谵妄患者吐温先生”。]
10 不久，共和党的主要刊物“宣判”我犯有贿赂罪，民主党的主要报纸又把一桩讹诈案归罪于我。
11 到了这时候，要我对那些可怕的指控作出回答的呼声已经沸沸扬扬了，以至于我们党的领袖人物说，
如果我继续保持沉默，我的政治生涯就毁了。就在第二天，其中一份报纸上又出现了下面的报道：
明察此人！——独立党候选人继续保持沉默。对他的每一项指控都得到了证实，同时他自己的沉默
也证明指控属实。独立党的成员们，看看你们的候选人吧！臭名昭著的作伪证者！蒙大拿小偷！鞭 尸者！考虑考虑你们这位肮脏的腐败分子！——考虑一下——然后再说你们是否会将自己诚实的选 票投给这么一个人，一个以其可怕的罪行赢得了众多头衔而又不敢否认的人！
12 我已经不能置身局外，保持沉默了。我着手准备对这些毫无根据的指控以及卑鄙邪恶的谎言作出
“回答”。第二天早上又一份报纸指控我放火烧了一所精神病院，连同所有住在里面的病人，就因为这医院 挡了我房前的风景。然后又有指控说我为了财产而毒死了自己的叔叔。然后，作为这一系列无耻的陷害最 适时、最恰当的高潮，他们怂恿九个肤色不同、衣衫褴褛的小孩子向我跑过来，抱住我的腿，叫我爸爸！
13 我放弃了。我不够竞选纽约州州长的条件，因此我痛苦地寄出了撤消候选人资格的信，并签名如下：
“您忠诚的，
“曾经是体面的人，但现在是
“马克·吐温，臭名昭著的作伪证者、蒙大拿小偷、鞭尸者、震颤性谵妄患者、肮脏的腐败分子、私
生子的爸爸”
PART 3 Further Development
1 Vocabulary Review
1 C
A gradually get used to a new situation B adapt oneself; conform
C move sth. slightly so that it is in the right place 2 C
A make you remember sth.
B start to use sth. again that was used in the past C get sth. or sb. from somewhere else
3 C
A not clearly or exactly B slightly
C in a way that shows you are not paying attention
161 Literature 4 B
A the set of letters that are used in writing a language B writing done by hand
C the written form of a speech, play, film, etc.
5 B
A having a lot of hair
B clearly belonging to a particular place or part of the country C filling the air, and difficult to see through or breathe in 6 B
A a secret plan by a group of people to do sth. harmful or illegal B the events that form the main story of a book, film, or play C a small piece of land for building or growing things on 7 A
A a list of the people supported by a particular political party in an election
B an official piece of paper that shows a driver must pay money for a traffic violation
C (in a lottery) a piece of paper with a number on it. If the number on your ticket matches the number chosen, you win a prize.
8 B
A the particular combination of features and qualities that makes a thing or place different from all others
B the qualities that make sb. a particular type of person C a person in a book, play, film, etc.
9 B
A the amount of money you have to pay for goods or services
B a written or spoken statement blaming sb. for doing sth. bad or illegal
C the position of having control of or responsibility for a group of people or an activity 10 A
A make sth. continue in the same way or at the same standard as before B strongly express your belief that sth. is true; assert
C keep a machine, building, etc. in good condition by checking and repairing it regularly 11 A
A the thing or things that sb. owns B a quality or feature of sth.
C a building, a piece of land, or both together 12 B
A slight darkness or shelter from the direct light of the sun made by sth. blocking it B a particular type of red, green, blue, etc.
C (of a meaning, etc.) slightly different from other ones
162 Unit 10
13 B
A make sth. start to exist or happen
B make people accept that you can do sth., or that you have a particular quality C begin a relationship with sb. or a situation that will continue
14 C
A kill sb., especially legally as a punishment B perform a difficult action or movement C do sth. that has been carefully planned 15 C
A slow and careful B intended or planned
C think about sth. very carefully
2 Talking About Famous People
Sample
A Strange Creature
Charles Darwin was a great naturalist, famous for his theory of evolution.
One day, two boys decided to play a trick on the great man. They took the body of a centipede (蜈 蚣), the head of a beetle, the legs of a grasshopper, and the wings of a butterfly, and glued them together. Putting the strange creature into a box carefully, they took it to Darwin. “Please, Sir,” said one of the two boys, “can you tell us what sort of a bug this is?” The naturalist looked at the “bug”
and then at the boys. “Did it hum?” he asked. “Oh, yes. It did.”
“In that case,” declared Darwin, “I would say it’s a humbug!”
Following Suit
President Calvin Coolidge once invited some down-home friends to breakfast at the White House. Worried about protocols (礼节), they decided to do everything Coolidge did. Things went smoothly until the coffee was served and the President poured his into a saucer. The guests followed suit. Then he added sugar and cream. The guests did likewise. Then Coolidge leaned over and placed his on the floor—for the cat!
3 Sharing Humorous Stories
Sample
Group Photo
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”
163 Literature
How Veterinarians (兽医) Determine Their Fees
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope (听诊器) and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your duck has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.
“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on his haunches, shook his head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%
certifiably, a dead duck.”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.
“$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
4 A Moment of Romance
Sample