Chapter 5 ICTs adoptions as family expectations
5.3 Finding a partner to take care of me
國
立 政 治 大 學
‧
N a tio na
l C h engchi U ni ve rs it y
46
missing the, not because of my personal negative emotions caused by my unstable life (Pinky).
In summary, transnational daughters are expected to be able to take good care of themselves and have an independent and happy life in the Netherlands. In order to avoid negative emotions and news which can be perceived as immature and dependent, informing safety to parents regularly and reporting positive and good news to their parents are essential to transnational daughters.
5.3 Finding a partner to take care of me
In addition to presenting to the parents their ability to take good care of themselves, transnational daughters are also expected to find a partner to take care of them. Their parents expect them to build up relationships with nice and responsible men. Eventually daughters should enter into a marriage to organize a family.
My mother has conflicting views in her mind actually.
She wants someone to take care of me, but she worries that I will meet the wrong guy (Candy).
I can imagine that I can’t let my parents worry, so I have to marry a good guy who will not hurt me and at least has stable job (Janny).
Most informants in this study are over 30 years old including 5 single daughters and 7 daughters, who have cohabitated partners. Once daughters have stable jobs, their parents start to expect them to achieve the next course in life, getting married, which is embedded in ICTs as well. In the following sections, this study will start
‧
國立 政 治 大 學
‧
N a tio na
l C h engchi U ni ve rs it y
47
with exploring the cases of single daughters without partners, followed by those of the unmarried daughters with cohabitating partners.
5.3.1 Single daughters finding a partner
Single daughters are expected to look for a boyfriend, and their parents care about their daughters’ friend relationships when they are interacting with each other through ICTs.
They hope I can get married. The topic recently is all about meeting new people…to be honest, I am old enough to get married (Sara).
My father replied to my Facebook and said that it is time to look for a partner and get married. And my mother, who expects me to get married, arranged a date for me when I went back to Taiwan last year. She sent me a private message in Line instead of family group to tell me that she would like to introduce her friend’s son to me (Tender).
Fancy, who is 38 years old and is a single daughter, said that her mother usually
asks about her friend relationships during their talk. She also mentioned that her mother would pray for her daughter to find a partner to spend the rest of her life with.
My mother is really funny. Because I am still single, my mother cares about my relationships a lot by asking whether I go to church often or not…Actually I don’t feel that much pressure from them…I feel thankful to them because she said that she ask her friends to pray for my marriages (Fancy).
‧
國立 政 治 大 學
‧
N a tio na
l C h engchi U ni ve rs it y
48
Candy, who is also a single daughter and 32 years old, is expected to be involved
in a marriage and give birth to a baby eventually, which sometimes causes tensions between her mother and herself.
My mother worries about my age, because she thinks that I am a bit too old. They know I have my own ideas so they seldom push me to do something I don’t like.
We are open to every topic…but the conversation will be finished if we talk about my relationships…She knows that I would feel unhappy (Candy).
Many single daughters are beyond their 30s, which is expected to be the age for marriage in Taiwanese society. For that reason, their parents care about their intimate relationships with others beyond borders. Intergenerational relationships can be maintained by this topic through regular contact. However, transnational daughters may also feel stressed to achieve the roles of ideal daughters in their parents’
expectations.
5.3.2 Unmarried daughters in a relationship
Transnational daughters who have unmarried relationships with their partners are be expected to enter into marriage relationships and give birth to a baby. Parents whose daughters have partners would be satisfied by these relatively stable relationships compared with those daughters don’t have relationships so far, because parents think that their daughters have found someone to take care of them, which would reduce worries across borders.
My mother would text my boyfriend to see whether I am at home or not after I am off work…She knows I have a stable job and have a boyfriend to take care of
‧
boyfriend can ease their worries…they sometimes text message my boyfriend to take care of me (Cat).I want to let them know I can take care of myself here and my Dutch boyfriend takes care of me as well. I will try not to let them worry, so I will tell them I go out with my boyfriend and so on (Jolin).
I am not sure if my mother is joking or not. She often asks me about whether I am getting married or not, or if my boyfriend is marrying me or not…we usually have this conversation on video calls instead of texts messages on Line (Yammy).
Even though transnational daughters have stable jobs with full financial independence, they are still perceived as weak and dependent family members that need to be taken care of. Unmarried daughters with partners are still expected to get married in the future. Hence, their parents would not only continuously ask them whether they are getting married or not to ensure that their boyfriends are responsible to take care of them, but also have good relationships with daughter’s boyfriends and ask them to take good care of their daughters.
Marriage is perceived as a relatively stable relationship in Taiwanese society.
Accordingly, in the Netherlands, cohabitation is more popular and common relationships than in Taiwan. 5 of 7 informants with partners choose to cohabitate with their partners; however, their parents are not very satisfied with cohabitation.
Some informants would tend to avoid the topic of cohabitation to share with their parents in case of causing tensions and worries to the parents across boarder.
Janny, whose mother didn’t like her to cohabitate with her boyfriend in the beginning, informs to her mother that she is going to live with her boyfriend after she has made a decision. In recent, Janny moves out to a larger apartment than the
‧
國立 政 治 大 學
‧
N a tio na
l C h engchi U ni ve rs it y
50
previous one with her boyfriend, she posted many photos on Facebook instead of a photo of double bed that she shares with her boyfriend. Because she understands that her mother will feel unhappy and worry about that for she is not married yet.
I didn’t share the photo of double bed in Facebook, because I know they will become emotional after seeing that photo…They still want to protect their daughter in their mind, because their daughter is not married yet (Janny).
Moreover, the distance between the Netherlands and Taiwan would also cause a sense of anxiety to the parents. Parents, who want daughters to accompany them, worry that daughters will not go back to Taiwan once they get married due to long distance and express their worry to their daughters during conversation.
My mother is really worried that I will not go back anymore after marrying with a foreign boyfriend…She thinks that it is too far away from Taiwan, and she also feel worried about whether my boyfriend would treat me well or not (Home).
Having partners to take care of them is not enough for transnational daughters to meet their parents’ expectations. Parents are still worried about their unmarried daughters with cohabiting. Daughters avoid the topic of cohabitation to reduce negative emotions to their parents by adopting ICTs.
The expectation of getting married from parents in Taiwan is heterosexual. One of the informants, Pinky, who is a lesbian, has a partner in a cohabiting relationship that only her mother knows about. Thus, her father, who is perceived as a relatively traditional father, still understands her to be single and cares about her relationship by
‧
國立 政 治 大 學
‧
N a tio na
l C h engchi U ni ve rs it y
51
asking her mother.
My father would ask me whether I have boyfriend or not, sometimes he would ask my mother whether I have boyfriend or not…But my mother would help me to avoid this topic (Pinky).
Even though she came out in front of her mother when she started her relationship with her girlfriend, her mother sometimes avoids this topic, which would cause a quarrel between them, as they still expect her to have a relationship with a male.
I think my mother chooses to avoid this topic even though she cares about my girlfriend. Once we had a quarrel because she said something negative about our relationship…I cut the call and refused to talk to her for many days (Pinky).