Draw conclusions
3.4 Research Method
of clinical psychology or neurology. Instead, it seeks through systematic reflection to determine the essential properties and structures of experience (Husserl, 1970). This research will concentrate on informants’ experiences and their life stories and practice of bodybuilding will induct the results.
As Merriam (1998) suggests that qualitative research should be highly descriptive because the research should center on process, meaning and
comprehending, I will not translate all the scripts into English version for fear of lacking in authenticity. Again, the findings will be presented in life stories/ history;
thus, they should be highly descriptive and comprehensive according to Merriam.
Findings of this research will be presented in two parts. First comes to life stories of the three informants and then analysis from the life stories. These three informants are my friends, whom I have fair degrees of acquaintance about them. Acting as an observer and gym participant at the same time, I can obtain most, if not all, of what the informants told me, leading me to reflect upon what I have got or questioned to myself in mind for a period of time. I can have a good opportunity to contemplate on why I work out referring to the stories they kindly shared with me, which makes this research more meaningful and contributive.
3.4 Research Method
During my three-month fieldwork, I interviewed three self-identified gay Taiwanese men upon which their life narratives were analyzed. Since interviews were conducted through ethnographic method, results will be presented with three life stories utilizing first-person account. As a researcher, I am an observer and a participant as well because I also work out in the gym and I have known all the informants for a period of time, which means I can comprehend their thoughts and interpret what they really meant during interviews. These three informants are aged
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between 25 and 40, giving extensive points of views of intentions why gay men in various ages train their muscles. There are similarities and also differences in their stories for why they attend gyms and the relationship between the deeds of workout and their gay identity.
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Chapter 4
Results And Discussion 4.1 Life Stories
Muscle is My Strength.
Prelude
Dressed in fit-cut shirt and white shorts with mustache to present a rough look, Oscar walked towards me and greeted me vibrantly. “Hi,” the tender voice did not seem to correspond to his masculine and muscular image. He is 25 years old, finishing his master degrees at the present time. Unlike his real age, he acts like a big boy, which makes him adorable and more attractive. When he showed me his photos taken before working out, I couldn’t help but cry out, “This is not possible!” By this, I mean the person in the pictures he showed me is no way the same one who was sitting in front of me. I was so astounded how much he has changed during the past decade. He was so slender and feminine in his teens, compared to how rugged and masculine image has attained now. This is where his story begins.
Reborn
Abandoned, grief-stricken and craving for a new self, I began devoting myself to this never-ending workout life.
2006, when I had a beautiful encounter with a man Peter living in Hualien, which is a milestone for my entire life. Slender and ugly was the lively depiction of myself, which is exactly different from what I look now. I was attending college in Taichung, having a chance to study in England for a month. To keep the bud of love flourishing, Skype became the fertilizer for our romance. I also bought everything he liked to prove how much I cared about him, fantasizing that we could have a great life
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to share every story I came across during my trip and gave him all the purchase. He turned of all of my phone calls. Thus, I took a train to the place he lived in Hualien, hanging all the things I prepared for him on the door. As I thought he would disappear from my life, he showed up with few merciless words, “You are too skinny and you are not the type I want.” Heart-broken, I blamed all on myself, being withdrawn in my own cage like a wounded lion. One day, while I was lying on my bed reminiscing of my trip to England, a thought for change occurred to me. “Most of men are strong and muscular there in England. I am so like a refugee compared with them. If I become one of them, I will astound Peter.” Whispering to myself, a commitment was made then. The ascetic process of workout was initiated.
At first I dared not attend any gyms in Taipei, for I did not possess a rippling muscles and I was afraid to be discriminated by those muscular gym-goers. I decided to buy exercise equipment home and started working out by myself. After two years of discipline, I became better-fit and more muscular than I was, which offered me enough confidence to start working out in the gym. Thus, I purchased a five-year membership in Taipei Gym in 2008, marking a new milestone in my life.
Glamorous out; Unconfident in
Before I started bodybuilding, I always wanted to draw people’s attention by dressing myself enchantingly. Middle-length hair, bunches of decorative bracelets on my both wrists, and self-fancied stylish clothes are approaches to boost up my confidence.
However, the truth was that the more glamorous the image I tried to present, the more unconfident I was of myself.
My lack of confidence could be traced back to my junior high, when I was rounded and feminine. Peers in my class started to bully me verbally by calling me
“fatty” or “sissy boy”. I started to reverse this image in college by shedding my
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weight first, which took me several years and still couldn’t enhance my confidence.
Thus, I began to wear plenty of accessories to make me stand out in the crowd. This seemed help a bit, yet I still couldn’t find myself charming in this gay community;
meanwhile, the man in Hualien broke my heart. A change was made, and I vowed to myself that I would impress people around me. A busy workout schedule and intake of food with high protein enabled me to build up muscles quickly and I gradually became muscular. In 2010, after two years of ascetic weight training since 2008, I finally could enjoy the harvest and benefits from my muscular figure, that is, I began to catch attention from other gay guys and get more wooers, which brought me immense confidence that I had never had before. I discarded those redundant
accessories and stylish clothes; moreover, I wore only simple and casual muscle shirts and shorts, a typical gay look. Muscles are just my perfect accessories!
Reflection: Is muscle a must or a plus?
Men are visual animals. Gay men are no exception, and such phenomena could be even more intense. Although there were more wooers around me, they only focused on my body instead of my thoughts or spiritual part of me. Sadly, that is to say, the quantity increased; the quality decreased however. “Is muscle a must or a plus?” Such and such confusion emerged and occurred to me. It took me a while to figure out the meaning of muscular body image to me.
“Muscle is my weapon!”
I can take advantage of my muscles to meet more possible candidates before I bump into a relationship and make commitments, and I can get to screen out those who only have interest towards my thick chest with no intention to form a serious relationship.
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Indeed, lots of gay guys who work out only seek for sex encounters, and a nice body surely can make one gain more sex appeal. To me, the reason I want to train my body not due to sex but more to making myself look better. Sometimes I feel
frustrated because I’ve always fallen in love with those men who only yearn for ONS (one night stand) or friends with benefits and this really hurts my feelings.
Bodybuilding is a long process. I will not give up working out and searching for a real romance, however. I will always prepare myself in the best condition for the best guy to appear in my life.
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Muscle is My Weapon.
Prelude
Ken always wears a white tank top with khaki shorts, which is always his favorite outfit. I have known Ken for almost 5 years. We worked for the same language center then but only for six months. Approximate a year later, I met him again in another language center we are both teaching now. I felt so surprised that how much he changed. He had his curly, middle-length hair cut and became more attractive, fit, and confident of himself. Being so curious, I asked him to be my informant, and here comes his story of transformation, which in turn makes me get to know him more.
An Australia-born Chinese
I was born in Australia. Being the youngest among my cousins, I was always repelled by them. They excluded me from their conversations, and when I did something wrong, they scolded me unanimously. I had no confidence in myself, always depreciating myself. This whole situation got exacerbated after I realized that my sexual orientation differs from theirs. I felt apprehended that I will be alienated by this society if people discover that I am gay. I talked to myself all the time that I am a black sheep in my family. The fact that I wasn’t welcomed and disliked by my cousins and the anxiety to be found my sexual orientation pricked me a lot. I had no choice to dissemble my gay identity, disguising that I was straight. Having no gay friends around me, I was gradually devoured by loneliness, fear and lack of confidence until that summer vacation when I was 20, when I met my very first boyfriend while I was having summer vacation in Taiwan. He was serving in army at that time. One day, my mom discovered my gay identity through a letter he wrote me on my desk because it started with the word “my dearest husband”. My mom was terrified and furious when she read the letter, which was followed by fierce
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interrogations and serious revolutions. Luckily, this desperate situation only took place for a while and my family accepted the real me. I always feel blessed that I have a liberal family that supports me.
A Super Glittering Model To Be!
I started workout in 2007. At that time, I just came back to Taiwan with no gay friends around and I got nothing to do as well. I joined California Fitness Center, which was acquired by World Gym in 2010, because I heard there were lots of gay guys working out there. I attended the gym 7 days a week then, which has become my habit and interest.
A couple of months passed by, and I started to reap the harvest. Friends around me began to notice my muscles bulking up. I could even sense that my shirt became tighter. I did not need to try hard to get attention from others. More and more gay guys proactively attempted to pick me up in the gym or at parties, most of whom sought for sex or “friends with benefit”. I also made several possible dates; however, those relationships did not work in the end after getting along with each other. I came to realize that I could be popular as well. I challenged myself to participate in a model contest, and I was awarded the prize of “The Perfect Body Physique”. My confidence was accumulated as a result of my fitter body, compliments from other people as well as the whole process of this model contest. This award meant significantly to me because finally I learned to give credits to myself instead of denying every effort and accomplishment I gained.
I enjoyed the moment of people’s wowing my body whenever I took my shirts off on the dance floors or whenever they appreciated those photos on the magazines featuring me. These compliments in turn were converted into motivation for me to
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work out even harder. In other words, I trained my muscles more for others than me.
A thought of change evolved in my mind then.
Muscles Are Not Everything!
I’ve been attending gyms for almost 6 years, and now I have more confidence in myself not because of my body but of my strong self-esteem. I still join parties and take off my clothes when I feel hot on dance floors now, but I know mature thoughts are as important as muscles. I work out more as my interest and parts of my daily routines now. I still work out seven days a week, but I am working out for myself and to make myself look better.
Also, I am not like other gay guys who train bigger muscles only to entitle themselves to more possible hunky guys. When I choose my partner, I do not really judge him by his appearance or body. Instead, I emphasize more on his inner and mental parts. I have to admit that men belong to visual creatures, but if you don’ t have an equivalently mature brain to go with your muscles, it will then become a hunky body with empty minds.
I am fully confident in myself, both mentally and physically. I do not have to pick what to wear purposively. Only a white tank top and casual shorts can make me stylish! My muscles and confidence are just my best accessories. Workout fulfill what I am lack and I am proud of who I was born to be more. In all, muscle training makes me gain confidence and my perfect body physique leads to my taking pride in gay identity. I always think a gay man’s brain is similar to a woman’s. We both are eager to be beautiful but each presents in different ways. Gay has keener sense of beauty than straight guys do, for which I can say that I am so proud to be gay.
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Muscle is Simply Part Of My Life.
Prelude
I met Tom in the gym when he chatted with one of our mutual friends, and the memories of that day are still inscribed and fresh in my mind that he touched my chest and told me how fit a body I have. That was the first time we met each other and I could barely forget his bluntness.
Tom is around 40 years old, mature and sophisticated. He always keeps a skinhead, mustache and beard with Abercrombie & Fitch (A&F) T-shirts and shorts, which is considered as the typical wolf-look, as labeled in the gay community. Maybe one of the most interesting facets of Tom lies in that everyone categorizes him into bear group; he sees himself as a wolf, however. “I am a WOLF, and don’t get me wrong!” he claimed with laughing out loud, which struck up this interview.
Twist of Fate
I was be introvert, unconfident of myself and even separated from gay community;
nevertheless, workout changes my life. Because my body gradually got muscular, I became confident, started to open up my social life and dared to express myself. I was suddenly aware that my life changed! I, for instance, went to Funky, a well-known gay bar, in 1993. At that time, I was slender and young, so no one wanted to talk to me or even look at me at the bar. But I came to my realization that there were actually lots of gay guys who look gorgeous and even had great body shape in Taiwan. Before I went there, I had always thought only foreigners could have great figures and appealing appearance.
My whole workout process can be traced back to 1998, when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I having had most of free time spent with him, my life began empty without his company abruptly. I was therefore determined to change my life first to
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start with my daily schedule and set up a routine to keep. Then, a lifelong workout career was initiated.
Few months later, I began to notice that more people found me more attractive since I grew fit and stronger. That was the first time I enjoyed the benefits workout brought to me and I did not know workout can enhance my sexual appeal until I met a hunky guy, who soon after became my boyfriend. He is overwhelmingly confident of his appearance and muscular physique, and he also utilizes his body to gain his popularity. We were together for almost six years, and I have to admit that I was so deeply obsessed with his body, which spurred me to train my muscles harder.
MDMA + Electronic Music + Muscles = Gay-Party Culture
Trying hard obtain muscular figure as my ex-boyfriend, I took up working out more often and ingesting high-protein, which made my muscles grow bigger and faster. I became more sociable and more confident of myself, acquainted with plentiful friends who had beautiful figures. We hanged out together almost every week and I felt belongingness and proud. I was so proud to be one member of them since we were always the limelight.
2001 was the year when electronic music dominated gay parties generally accompanied with drugs. The most popular club was called “Texound”. Under such a great mixture of MDMA and techno music, partygoers would do anything to escape from the reality and go with the lusty atmosphere and the heavy beats, which seemed like a secret ritual taking place. Pheromone surrounded the dance floor; ripping off their shirts and showing off their hard-trained muscles was a great tribute to worship the occasion. Dance floors became a runway for people like us to display our
muscular bodies. I especially enjoyed the moment people around you uttering adoring sounds when you took off your shirts. We hugged bunches of topless guys a night,
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lingering our fingers on hundreds of hunks with thick pectorals and prefect 6-packs.
Every party night was bohemian. Parties provided a showroom to display our muscles and we could get instant feedback from other people. This mechanism was brutal but authentic, which would in turn stimulated people to train muscles even harder and more ascetically. This party culture boosted the trend of bodybuilding, cultivating the cult of muscle in the gay community. I went to gyms more often because the only way to maintain my popularity was to keep my muscles bulking up. This prevalence of gay-party culture waned down from 2004 with the shutdown of Texound, shifting to private home parties. As the demands for a venue to display muscles increased, Club Jump was launched in 2006 and several major gay parties followed then. Thus, the gym-going culture revived again, causing more gay people engaged in bodybuilding.
A Middle-aged gay workout life – Now what?
I am in my 40s and the philosophy of workout has been changed by now. I trained
I am in my 40s and the philosophy of workout has been changed by now. I trained