Self-esteem restoration and gay identity improving

4.2.4 Self-esteem restoration and gay identity improving

Gay men sometimes have low self-esteem in relation to heteronormativity, coming out, and living in a predominantly and often intolerant and bigoted straight society.

When gay men are old enough to be in a relationship, they can be hurt. They cannot tell their family members or friends about their shattered feelings, which sometimes will turn into suicidal behaviors. A number of gay men shift their concentration to taking up new hobbies, and bodybuilding is one example.

“I started bodybuilding when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend in 1998. I felt that I accidentally had plenty of free time that used be spent on him.

Bored, I joined a gym aimed at straight guys, where private trainers were willing to help members work out with right positions. I became

fit-muscular few months later, when I am acquainted with another man, Mike.

He possessed muscular physique, perfect pectoral and abdominal

muscles, taking pride in his alluring body. Both his attitude and sex appeal stressed me; thus, I started to drink high protein beverages, lift heavier weights and do more sets. I gained 10 kilograms in a year and became muscular. Workout changes not merely my physique but also my

personality. I was an introvert and unconfident. My muscles grew bigger, and so did my self-esteem. More people stared at me and tried to chat with me in the gym or on the dance floor, which equipped me with

confidence. Muscular image has turned into my asset and capital.” – Tom

“Feeling abandoned, grief-stricken and craving for a new self after the person I like left me, I began devoting myself to this never-ending workout life. At first, I worked out at home, fearing that other gym goers would laugh at me because of my skinny figure. I bought bodybuilding machines and trained muscles by myself. Two years later, I became stronger, so I decided to attend gym to improve muscle size. Friends started to notice my physique change and more people made a pass at me in the gym. I became confident of myself and I cast aside all the accessories and started to be dressed simply.” – Oscar

Both Tom and Oscar start taking up bodybuilding after a relationship is ended.

The reason why they begin workout is that they want to make themselves look better, yearning for a new self and life. They attend gyms often to become muscular, which is the mainstream image in gay ghetto. Change is not merely shown from the exterior but also the interior. Becoming muscular brings them higher self-esteem and more confidence than the time when they did not work out. They value themselves through

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their gay fellows and friends’ compliments, which bring them self-esteem and confidence. We can adopt reflexive embodiment to explain this phenomenon, which argues that gay men attend gym to discipline their ideal body shape is due to

achievement of the self in generalized others’ eyes. They care about how other people look at them, and when they go to gym, they see their peers are muscular. Pressure will then take place, so they work out hard to complete the self-image in others’ eyes.

The end of relationship is not always a trigger for bodybuilding. Feeling inferior in one’s family or having undergone verbal abuse at school can also result in

bodybuilding. Once a gay man realizes that his sexual preference is different from other men in his family or at school, pressure happens. If he encounters verbal abuse from their peers, situation can aggravate. To fight this despised feeling and regain self-esteem and confidence, they resort to bodybuilding. By getting muscular, they can have inner strength to combat this stress caused by turmoil of his gay identity.

“I grew up in a big family in Australia, and I am the youngest among all my cousins. They excluded me from their life circle, distained and criticized me. I felt lonely and unconfident, so I isolated myself. Things got

exacerbated when I realized my gay identity at 14. I thought no one in the world could accept me, the authentic me, and if my cousins knew my sexual preference, the oppression on me would get even worse. Hence, I concealed my gay identity and pretended that I was straight. My attitude changed when I started to work out. I was acquainted with many new friends in the gym, and this helped me improve my confidence. As I gradually became muscular, many of my friends sent me their

compliments and nodding acquaintances in the gym or clubs also showed their interest in me. I built up my self-esteem through their praises.” – Ken

“I was feminine and skinny when I was a teenager, so my classmates always insulted me by calling me sissy boy or faggot. Undergoing through these verbal abuses has a huge impact on my subsequent decision to bodybuilding. Bodybuilding enhances my self-value and belongingness in gay community, offering me inner strength to deal with discrimination. I no longer feel isolated and deserted by this society.” – Oscar

Being enumerated by family members or verbal abuses by peers at schools spawn inferiority. Thus, trying to mend the feelings of being scorned, Ken and Oscar

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changed their physiques and this led them to higher self-esteem and confidence by receiving compliments This is also reflexive embodiment, which corresponded to Duncan’s (2007) research findings that muscular body generates both social status and self-esteem.

Indeed, gay individuals can restore their lack of confidence and low self-esteem through bodybuilding. Once they gain muscular physique, people around them will look at them in admiring ways, which helps gay men rebuild their confidence, self-esteem and self-affirmation.

Being muscular and staying fit can also improve one’s acknowledgement of gay identity.

“Being gay is tired because one always has to stay alerted if his physique stays fit or muscular. Once a gay man becomes fat, his popularity will soon vanish. But when I attend my school reunions, I always feel proud that I am not straight since straight guys usually gain weights from their middle age or after getting married, becoming ugly no matter how gorgeous they used to be.” – Oscar

“I always whisper to myself that thank God I am gay when I see middle-aged men around me. They just do not care their figures and appearance but their career, which is sad.” – Ken

“My coworkers in my age are fat and they always look older than their actual age because they do not have a habit of workout or exercise. Thus, whenever I feel lazy or busy for gym, I whisper to myself that if I do not work out hard, I will be one of their allies some day. This really works.” – Tom

For fear of getting fat and old, gay individuals keep a routine of workout no matter how busy or lazy they are. Bodybuilding enhances their gay identity.

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