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4.2 When Fathers Become Mothers
Parreñas (2005) notes that regardless of the breadwinning function being transferred to women, and even despite their earnings being greater than men, fathers left in the Philippines believe that migrant mothers should still continue to nurture their children even from a distance. Fathers may forgo the physical caring responsibilities that migrant mothers surely cannot perform due to their geographical distance by passing this work on to other women in the family (daughters, hiring of domestic helpers, kins). However, from interviews gathered to married long-‐distance mothers, not all fathers refuse to acknowledge the needs of the children, but they always think of the work as temporary because the person-‐in-‐charge of the housework, -‐ the mother, would always come back.
Among the fourteen respondents, four are still together with their husbands. For Joanne, Claire, Lisa, and Ellen, the presence of fathers in the lives of their children remains as a fortress of discipline and guidance. The four mothers also find it important to keep the family together against all odds, to surround their children with a healthy and loving family environment.
Joanne boasts of her three children's upbringing and tells me that she owes it to her husband. Her 16 and 10 year-‐old daughters and 9 year-‐old son grew up to be responsible individuals who were trained by their fathers to fend for themselves. When Joanne came home for a month-‐long vacation in the Philippines this February 2011, she narrates how her children at home treated her like a queen. Before going to school, the children prepares her bread and coffee, and after class dismissal when the children arrive home, the eldest daughter fixes the day's laundry by soaking the entire family's clothes. Joanne's husband cooks for dinner and the second daughter assist the father in cooking rice and chopping vegetables. The youngest son is in charge of washing the dishes.
Joanne cannot help but be thankful for her husband. She explains:
"I'm very honest with my husband. He is unemployed and sometimes I tell him I'm already very tired of working abroad. It's been six years but I continue working because I know it is our entire family who will benefit
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from my labors. We have just bought a piece of land and built a small house for the children. When my nine-‐year tenure in Taiwan would be over, I hope by then we can both start a welding business, because that is my husband's dream and expertise.”
According to Joanne, it is really different when the father takes charge of the children. She describes:
"When the father becomes the temporary mother, everything becomes so masculine-‐ from disciplining, to dressing the children. When they fetched me at the airport, I was shocked and deep inside I pitied my children because they don't dress or look well, like the children who have mothers by their side. My husband does not mind clothes, but to me it matters. My second daughter looks like a tomboy. My son's shoes are worn out. Before I left for Taiwan, everything was well taken cared of. My eldest daughter was in the first grade when I left. I ironed her clothes. I shined her shoes. It's really different. When I received my first salary, I asked my husband to buy dozens of under garments for the children. I regularly send them clothes because fathers don't know how to shop. So now that I'm here for a vacation, I try my best to teach them to dress properly and bought my son new shoes."
Joanne sends the monthly remittance directly to her husband’s joint bank account. Her husband budgets the money for school allowances and utility bills. Joanne also asks her husband to take the children to the mall and to treat them at Jollibee, her children's favorite local fast-‐
food chain. Her children would text and thank her for the money she sends. Her husband would even ask permission from her to get some money for night outs, like drinking with friends.
When I visited Joanne in their house last February 2011, her younger daughter told me that one night their father left them fifteen pesos each (NT$10). She has no idea why but the next day she found her father lying on the couch and smelled of alcohol. She then realized that her father did not prepare anything for breakfast and the money he left was their allowance to buy
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porridge for breakfast, which costs five pesos a bowl, and the remaining ten pesos was snack money for school. Joanne laughs as she recounts the first time she Skyped with her husband, "It felt awkward at first, seeing his face on the screen. For the children, it is fun and normal, but it feels weird when I see him. I told my husband we both need to get used to it. Even my employer was laughing at us when she saw me Skype-‐ing with him. We just talk about the things the children need. If the children are out, I call him on his mobile because he doesn't know how to operate the laptop." Joanne shares that no marriage is perfect. She explains:
"We have problems too, he had affairs but I don't take it seriously. For me, as long as he is not inflicted with any disease and for as long as he takes care of my children, I don't bear grudge. I want a complete family for my children because I also grew up in a loving family. Their father also wants to impart to them the happiness of having strong family ties, even though we're far apart.
I can say their father did very well because I feel loved and respected by my children, and a huge part of that came from my husband's constant reminder that their mother works abroad for their future."
In the same note, Claire also acknowledges the hard work of her husband in raising their son. Since Claire got married to her husband, she has been the sole breadwinner of the family.
Both of them are high school graduates but Claire was the more fortunate one when it comes to job hunting. Claire narrates:
"Of course the neighbors and other people would talk behind our backs and wonder why am I the only one working, but it did not matter to me. Not until I resigned as a quality assurance officer from one company and I found it difficult to look for a job. It was his turn to work then. He became a driver and took other jobs that weren't permanent. I thought of my son and the bleak future he might have if I don't work hard, that's why I decided to come to Taiwan. No regrets. My husband is doing a good job on becoming a mother.”
Claire's husband is in charge of disciplining their son. She considers herself lucky because
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her one and only eight year-‐old son, never gave them any trouble. "My husband said he never raised a finger on our son. When he is misbehaving, he would talk to him. He was also never the type of child who would ask me to buy toys. I think that's because of my husband's upbringing too. They are not materialistic. Our simple joys are just talking on the phone, hearing each other's voices, and seeing their faces every weekend on Yahoo! Messenger."
The same is true for Lisa when she gave lengthy answers on my questions about her marital status. Lisa, although already 49, manages to look fun and youthful. Upon hearing the question, Lisa exclaimed, "I am happily married, very happy! Would you believe we usually Skype for an hour if my children are not around?" Lisa says their marriage is not without ups and downs. Oftentimes the root of their misunderstanding concerns financial matters, especially before when the business they started had failed. However, Lisa shares that problems make relationships stronger. She relates:
"When I decided to come to Taiwan, my husband said he will be a "houseband"
and is ready to become one. We were both laughing but we got no choice. He did well raising my three kids. My two sons learned how to cook under his guidance. He monitored their grades and would call me if they are already flunking their exams. The only difficult part was for him to raise our daughter.
Our daughter is only 14, and when she entered the puberty stage when she was 11 or 12, he doesn't know what to do. My daughter got her period when she was 12. I guess she was too shy to tell it to her father and two elder brothers so she texted me. I called immediately and I also asked my sister, who was our neighbor at that time, to help her. I told my husband about it and he said it could have been better if I was there to guide her."
One thing in common among married long-‐distance mothers like Joanne, Claire and Lisa, is that they leave the disciplining aspect of parenting to the fathers. They all confirm that their role is to guide their children. Claire also tells that long-‐distance mothers have no right to get angry on the phone with their children because according to her, "You're not already by his side as his
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mother and yet you will still raise your voice? We must always bear in mind that our children will think of it as unfair for them to be treated that way since we're so far apart. Just talk to him, be diplomatic, but still loving. Just leave it to the father, he should know what to do."
Nine out of the fourteen informants are single mothers. The husbands of Anette, Annie and Mildred are in Saudi Arabia. Although the fathers call their children once in a while, they do not give enough monetary support. Annie mentions that the father of their children sends money once every two months, but the amount is never enough to cover for all the expenses.
Meanwhile, the situation is different for Cathy, Elsa, Gina, Nena, Lyn and Marie. Their husbands left them for another woman and have started a family of their own. They assert during the interviews that what compelled them to leave their children and work abroad, is the absence of a breadwinner in the family.
“It's a hard but dignifying act,” says Elsa, when she decided to leave for Taiwan in 2003.
Her husband left her and their two sons, who were then 7-‐year-‐old and the youngest barely a year old in 1999. In working abroad, Elsa was able to prove to herself that she can make
sacrifices for her children, provide for their education and give them a comfortable life. Elsa tells me that I’m working on a compelling research topic since very few would acknowledge the hardships brought about by long-‐distance mothering, particularly the single long-‐distance mothers like her. “This is why communication is very important for us. We rely on cellphones, on computers, to be a mother away from home. Add to that the fact that our children have no fathers, the more that they need our guidance, the more we need communication,” recounts Elsa.
Their children have no father image and so these single mothers double their roles in becoming a father-‐breadwinner and mother at the same time. The children of the single mothers are left in the care of the grandmothers and aunts. Hence, communication for them is all the more
important as they juggle two roles and two worlds apart. Unlike other mothers, Elsa does not enjoy the benefits of CMC. Although she is a documented migrant worker who goes home once in every three years, she still refuses to use computer-‐mediated communication to talk to her two sons, 18 and 13 years old. Elsa confesses:
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"The more I see them online, the more I miss them. It's also the same with calling.
The more I call, the more I want to be with them. I call once a week, but I text every night to ask if they are okay or if they are already in bed. Since I have two sons, they are not as expressive as daughters can be. So when they seem like they are in the mood to text or have stories to share, I ask them more questions. Then, they will text me 'I love you and I miss you' messages. I'm sentimental so I save those messages and I re-‐read them sometimes when I feel homesick or when I'm missing them."
In instances wherein mothers fail to accomplish some maternal duties, some fathers take on the role and responsibility of mothering for the sake of the children, while other fathers commit infidelity and do not look after the children. Given this scenario, long-‐distance mothers miss out on so many important events on their children's lives. The only way to make it up for them is to communicate daily and let them feel they are together. With the use of CMC, the absent-‐presence of long-‐distance mothers has been fostered, helping them to instill their presence in their children's lives.