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名人们的那些幽默智慧
第1 周：星期一One day a beautiful girl came to visit George Bernard Shaw at his house somewhere near London. She was tall and her figure was very good. She had golden hair and her eyes were blue.
She introduced herself to the great writer and said she had something to say to him. Shaw shook hands with her and asked her to sit down.
"Would you marry me?" asked the charming girl. "Why should I?" said the writer.
"Just think, " she said, "if we had a baby, and if the baby had my looks and your brains..."
"Yes, " interrupted Shaw, "but what if the baby had my looks and your brains?"
有一天，一个美女到位于伦敦附近某个地方的寓所去看望乔治·萧伯纳。 她身材高挑，风姿绰约，金发碧眼。 她向大作家做了自我介绍，说有事要对他说。萧伯纳同她握过手后，便 请她坐下。 “你愿意娶我吗？”这个迷人的姑娘问。 “为什么我要娶你？”大作家说。 “请想一下，”她说，“如果我们生个宝宝，如果那个宝宝有我的美貌 XXX XXX ♪ 01.mp3
2 月 3 月 4 月 5 月 6 月 和你的智慧……” “是的，”萧伯纳打断说，“可如果那个宝宝有我的长相和你的大脑， 该怎么办？”
Einstein was on his way to a lecture when his chauffeur offered an idea.
"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times, I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off."
"Sounds great, " Einstein said.
When they got to the auditorium, Einstein put on the chauffeur's hat and settled into the back. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterwards, he asked if there were any questions.
"Yes, " said one professor. Then he asked a highly technical question.
The chauffeur was panic-stricken for a moment, but quickly recovered. "That's an easy one, " he replied. "So easy, I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it."
爱因斯坦在去演讲的路上，司机出了个主意。 “嘿，头儿，我已经听过你的演讲很多次了，我敢断定我也能演讲，让 你放一晚上假。” “听起来很棒，”爱因斯坦说。 他们到达礼堂时，爱因斯坦戴上司机的帽子，坐到了后排。司机走到讲 台上，发表了一次演讲。之后，他问是否有什么问题。 “是的，”一位教授说。随后，他提了一个技术难度很高的问题。 司机紧张了一会儿，但马上反应过来，回答说：“这个问题容易。非常简单， 我要让我的司机来回答。”
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Coolidge was asked, "What sports did you participate at the college sports meet?"
Coolidge replied proudly, "Mine is to award prizes."
有人问柯立芝：“你在大学运动会上参加过什么项目？” 柯立芝自豪地回答说：“我的项目是颁奖。”
第1 周：星期二
George III asked the once well-known wit, Horne Tooke, whether he could play cards.
"Your Majesty, " replied Tooke, "I am a mere child where cards are concerned. I cannot even tell a King from a Knave(Jack)."
乔治三世问曾经大名鼎鼎的才子霍恩·图克会不会打牌。
“陛下，”图克回答说，“我打牌只是小儿科，甚至都分不清K（国王） 和J（无赖）。”
General Eisenhower attended the victory meeting.
A waitress was so nervous that she spilled a glass of beer on Eisenhower's head. The generals and officers broke into an uproar.
General Eisenhower shrugged and said, "Miss, would you wanna dye my hair with beer?"
艾森豪威尔将军参加一次庆功会。
一名女服务员因为过于紧张，把一杯啤酒洒在了艾森豪威尔的头上。众 将领一片哗然。
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On Churchill's 80th-birthday tea party, a young journalist told Churchill, "Mr. Prime Minister, I do hope I can come to celebrate your birthday next year."
Churchill patted the journalist's shoulder and said, "Mr. Journalist, you are so young and so strong. I think it's no problem." 在丘吉尔80 岁生日茶话会上，一名年轻记者对丘吉尔说：“首相先生， 我真希望明年还能来为您庆祝生日。” 丘吉尔拍拍记者的肩膀说：“记者先生，你这么年轻，又这么壮。我想 没问题。”
Einstein once made a speech at Paris University.
He said, "If my theory of relativity will have been verified, Germany will declare that I am a German while France will claim that I am the citizen of world. But if my theories are proved wrong, France will say that I am a German while Germany will emphasize that I am a Jew."
有一次，爱因斯坦在巴黎大学演讲。
他说：“如果我的相对论得到了证实，德国就会宣布我是德国人，而法 国则会称我是世界公民；但如果我的理论被证明是错的，法国就会说我是德国 人，德国人则会强调我是犹太人。”
Mozart always went to sleep wearing glasses every night. Someone asked him, "Why did you go to sleep still wearing glasses?"
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dreams. Unless wearing glasses, I won't see the notes clearly. When I wake up, I'll forget them all naturally."
莫扎特每晚睡觉总要戴上眼镜。
有人问他：“你为什么睡觉还要戴眼镜呢？”
他回答说：“我常在梦中想起一些乐曲的旋律。如果不戴眼镜，就什么 音符都看不清，醒来自然就全忘了。”
第1 周：星期三
Lincoln served as company commander during the war. Once he led the whole company to chase the enemy. When crossing a small river, he did not know how to cross it. Then he had an idea and shouted, "All dismissed, and muster on the other side in five minutes."
林肯在战争期间担任过连长。
有一次，他带领全连追击敌人。当要过一条小河时，他不知道该用什么 方法渡河。于是，他就灵机一动，大声喊道：“全体解散，5 分钟后在对岸集合。”
Once Muhammad Ali attended a grand banquet. During the banquet, the host introduced a pianist to him.
The pianist said humorously, "We are of the same trade to make a living with our hands."
Ali replied, "You're excellent because there isn't a scar on your body."
有一次，拳王阿里参加一次盛大的宴会。席间，主人把一位钢琴家介绍 给他。
2 月 3 月 4 月 5 月 6 月 XXX 阿里回答说：“你非常出色，因为你身上没有一块伤疤。”
A U.S. real estate businessman went to Hemingway, who moved to live in Cuba at the time, asking Hemingway for his autograph as a souvenir.
Hemingway looked down on the businessman, so he wrote down his name on the beach with his stick saying, "It depends on whether you can carry it away with you or not."
一个美国房地产商人去找当时移居古巴的海明威，想要他的亲笔签名， 作为留念。
海明威瞧不起这个商人，就用手杖在沙滩上写下了自己的名字，说：“就 看你能不能把它带走了。”
Once on a voyage, Duke Wellington encountered a storm in a boat on the verge of sinking. The captain hurried to Wellington's cabin saying, "We'll be doomed."
Wellington wanted to go to bed, so he said, "Okay, I don't need to take off my shoes."
一次在海上旅行，威灵顿公爵乘的小船遇上了风暴，濒临沉没。船长匆 匆赶到威灵顿的船舱，说：“我们就要完蛋了。”
威灵顿正想上床睡觉，于是说道：“那好，我就用不着脱鞋了。”
第1 周：星期四
At a world-class writing forum, a man chattered to a lady, "I have published 339 novels, and you?"
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The lady commented, "You're really a prolific writer. Unlike you, I only published one novel."
The man asked arrogantly, "What's the title of your novel?" "Gone with the Wind."
在一次世界级笔会上，一位男士对一位女士喋喋不休地说：“我已经出 版了339 部小说，你呢？” 那位女士评论说：“你真是个多产作家。我不像你，只出版了一部小说。” 那个男的傲慢地问道：“书名是什么？” “《乱世佳人》。”
The great logician Bertrand Russel once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1+1 = 1.
So one day some smarty-pants asked him, "Prove that you're the Pope."
He thought for a while and proclaimed, "I am one. The Pope is one. Therefore, the Pope and I are one."
伟大的逻辑学家伯特兰·罗素曾经说过，他用 1+1=1 可以证明一切事物。 有一天，几个自作聪明的人问他：“证明一下你是教皇。”
他想了想，说：“我是一个人。教皇是一个人。所以，我和教皇都是一个人。”
Goethe was once strolling on a narrow path in a park. As luck would have it, he met with a critic who was hostile to him.
Both of them stopped, staring at each other. Then the critic said, "I will never make way for a fool."
"But I will, " with that Goethe retreated aside.
有一次，歌德在公园的一条狭窄的小路上散步，偏偏遇到了一个对他心 存敌意的评论家。
2 月 3 月 4 月 5 月 6 月 XXX 他们都停下来看着对方。随后，评论家说：“我从来不会给傻瓜让路。” “但我会，”说完，歌德退到了一旁。 第1 周：星期五
A group of Texas farmers asked President Carter for emergency funds because of a bad drought. President Carter had to refuse. But he decided to fly to Texas to explain why.
On the day he arrived in Texas, it was raining very hard. "You asked me for money, " he said in his speech to the farmers. "I could not get you the money. So instead I brought you some rain." 因为干旱严重，所以一群得克萨斯州农民向卡特总统要应急基金。卡特 总统不得不拒绝，但他决定乘飞机前往得克萨斯州解释原因。 他到达得克萨斯州那天，雨下得很大。“你们向我要钱，”他对那些农 民讲道，“我没能给你们带来钱，但我给你们带来了一些雨。”
Einstein once wrote a letter to Charlie Chaplin. He wrote, "Your film ‘The Modern Times', every one in the world can understand. You will certainly become a great man. Einstein."
In his answer to the letter Charlie Chaplin wrote, "I admire you even more. Your Theory of Relativity, nobody in the world understands, but you have already become a great man. Chaplin."
爱因斯坦曾经给查理·卓别林写过一封信。他写道：“你的电影《摩登时代》， 世界上每个人都能理解。你肯定会成为伟人，爱因斯坦。”
8 月 9 月 10 月 11 月 12 月 但你已经成了伟人，卓别林。”
Andersen led a very simple life. He always wore the same old hat whenever he went out.
Once someone in the street laughed at him, "What's that on your head? Can it be called a hat?"
Andersen replied, "What's that under your hat? Can it be called a head?" 安徒生过着非常简朴的生活。无论什么时候出门，他总是戴着同一顶旧 帽子。 一次，有人在街上嘲笑他说：“你脑袋上面是什么？它能被称为帽子吗？” 安徒生回答说：“你的帽子下面是什么？它能被称为脑袋吗？”
Rossini was the famous Italian composer of the 19th century. He was in the habit of taking off his hat whenever he met an old acquaintance.
One day, a composer brought a manuscript to Rossini, who, on listening, every minute took off his hat and put it on again. The composer asked whether it was so hot in the room.
"No, " said Rossini. "but there are so many acquaintances I remember in your composition, that I have continually to bow."
罗西尼是19 世纪著名的意大利作曲家。他有见了熟人就脱帽的习惯。 有一天，一位作曲家拿了一份手稿来见他。罗西尼一边听，一边不停地 脱帽戴帽。那位作曲家不解地问是否房间很热。
“不，”罗西尼说。“在你的作曲里，我记得的熟人太多了，所以我得 不断致意。”
2 月 3 月 4 月 5 月 6 月 第2 周：星期一
Once, Mark Twain was invited to dinner. During the party he said to a rich lady, "How beautiful you are, madam!"
Unexpectedly the lady said, "But I'm very sorry, sir, I can't answer you in the same words."
Mark Twain, who had quick mind and a sharp tongue, said with a smile, "It doesn't matter. You may tell a falsehood just as I did." 有一次，马克·吐温应邀赴宴。席间，他对一位阔太太说：“夫人，你长 得真美！” 不料，那位女士却说：“但我很抱歉，先生，我不能对你说同样的话。” 头脑机敏、言辞犀利的马克·吐温面带微笑说：“没关系。你也可以像我 一样说假话。”
At the time of crisis during the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln was awakened late one night by an opportunist who reported that an office-holder had just died.
"Mr. President, " asked the man, "could I take his place?" "Well, " said Lincoln, "if the undertaker agrees, it's certainly all right with me."
在美国内战的危机时刻，一个投机分子深夜叫醒亚伯拉罕·林肯，向他报 告一位官员刚刚去世。
“总统先生，”那个人问道，“我能替代他吗？” “噢，”林肯说，“如果殡仪员同意，我肯定没意见。”
Kant saw an acquaintance taking leave to an elegant and
